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(To learn how to win every argument, click here.) Some might be thinking, “Romeo and Juliet didn’t argue.” And my response would be… But Shakespeare killed off Romeo and Juliet at the end of the play so he wouldn’t have to write about the contentious divorce settlement or mention the If you want the purest example of limerence, it’s Romeo and Juliet. It’s when you meet someone and your heart starts racing and your palms gets sweaty and your mid-brain is just bursting with dopamine. It’s what the movies are always going on and on about.You just get that high and you’re convinced: they’re your soulmate. Thinking about soulmates and being obsessed with limerence is very romantic. It’s the idea that “If I find the perfect person I won’t have to fight, change or do any work.” And that leads to the problem with limerence… Here’s Jonah: Dorothy Tennov, who’s done most of the research on limerence, found again and again and again that limerence doesn’t pan out.Relationship psychologist Honey Langcaster-James says: “Look straight into the camera and smile showing your teeth – this says open, friendly, healthy and confidence.” A recent study of the most popular profiles on dating sites showed 88 per cent are making eye contact with the camera in their profile picture.Jim Talbott, director of consumer insights at Match.com, also suggests: “Keep your photos fresh, and swap out your primary photo frequently.
(Older people are nodding right now while young people are probably sticking their fingers in their ears and reciting their favorite lines from “The Notebook.”) So how do you make love last? Meanwhile, a 2010 study of twenty-three thousand married couples found that the similarity of spouses accounted for less than 0.5 percent of spousal satisfaction.
I called somebody who looked at the research and has some answers… We’re going to see what the research says makes real relationships last so you can get as close to the fairy tale as possible. Time to find out the answer to that often-ignored second question… Ruling someone out because they love Coldplay and don’t appreciate the subtle genius of Radiohead is a bad idea.
Jonah Lehrer is the author of Imagine and How We Decide. A lot of what you’re about to read is very unsexy and very unromantic. And all the online dating websites with their fancy algorithms fail because they’re based on the idea that similarity rules.
(To learn the 4 most common relationship problems — and how to fix them — click here.) So there’s going to be conflict but you want to find someone that you can communicate with using a common emotional language. Which leads us to another counterintuitive finding…
According to the scientists, spouses who complain to each other the most, and complain about the least important things, end up having more lasting relationships. But Gottman’s research shows that 3 years into a relationship, if you’re not arguing at all, you’re much more likely to find yourself arguing in divorce court.