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And if you can make your message rhyme, We'll call you back in half the time!!!!! So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...) (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home." (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.